The Truth About Dating
It sucks to be lonely. Loneliness isn’t just an empty chair at the dinner table or an unchecked plus-one on an invitation, it’s a gnawing ache, a shadow that grows heavier with time. And yet, in Kansas City and beyond, the dating scene feels more disconnected than ever. Can we even call it a scene? People are struggling not just to meet someone but to connect in a way that feels meaningful and enduring. The causes are complex, but the solutions are simpler than we’re making them out to be.
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I see it firsthand. When people sign up for our speed dating nights, I give them a chance to share a little, a freeform box where they can share with me things they believe I should know. What they often share reveals far more than they realize.
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“I only want to talk to people who are like-minded as me.”
“I prefer dog people.”
“I only want to meet people between the ages of 25 and 27.”
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At first glance, these seem like harmless preferences. But peel back the layers, and they shine a light on a deeper problem. You’ll only marry someone if they’re a “dog person”? What does that even mean? You were lonely, so you bought a dog, and now your spouse must love this creature you brought into your life unilaterally? And this arbitrary age limit, what happens if someone amazing is 28? Is your heart that rigid? And this demand for you to only talk to “like-minded” people, are you asking me to screen for compatibility on your behalf? This isn’t just picky; it’s a symptom of something deeper. It’s a refusal to open yourself up and to embrace the challenges that real love requires. Like-mindedness does matter, don’t misunderstand me, but you're coming to a speed dating event not a church service.
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The truth is, people who are truly ready for marriage don’t approach it like this. Marriage is not about taking; it’s about giving. It is all give and no take. None. If you enter marriage believing your partner is there to give you something so you can take it, you are setting yourself up for heartache. Marriage is an act of service; relentless, joyful, exhausting service. You give until you’re empty, and then you give more. And in that giving, you’ll discover something profound: joy. Real joy comes not from taking but from lifting someone else up, from seeing your partner thrive because of your selflessness.
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Think about the grapevine. For years, a vintner pours themselves into the vine—pruning it, watering it, weeding around it, training it to grow along the trellis. They give and give, often getting nothing in return for seasons on end. And even when the vine starts to bear fruit, the work doesn’t stop. You don’t snatch the grapes the moment they appear and shout, “I’ve conquered the vine!” No, you wait. You snip some grapes, let others fall to the ground, and give the vine more time. You test the BRIX level ( the sweetness of the fruit) to know if it’s ready to harvest. And even then, the work continues. You keep giving because you understand that the fruit is a reflection of your care and sacrifice.
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This is what love, dating, and marriage should be. It’s not about finding someone who perfectly fits into your life or ticks off every box on your checklist. It’s about becoming the kind of person who can give selflessly, who can create a relationship so strong and so full of sweetness that it naturally bears fruit.
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Modern dating, especially online dating, has warped this vision. Apps promise ease and compatibility, but what they deliver is often shallow and transactional. People swipe through profiles like they’re shopping for a product, not a partner. The leap from screen to reality is so vast that many never make it. And it leads to more loneliness. And above all, the sense of safety, the foundation of any genuine connection is missing.
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That’s why we created BRIX. Our speed dating events strip away the distractions and the noise. We create an environment of dignity and safety. No exchanging contact information on the spot. You sit across from someone, and for three minutes, you talk; really talk. There’s no room for cynicism or excuses. You show up, you engage, and you open yourself to the possibility of connection.
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If you’re single and struggling, it’s time to ask yourself some hard questions. Are you giving or taking? Are you willing to prune your own habits and expectations, to make space for someone else? Are you ready to grow sweeter, more open, more sacrificial in your approach to love?
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If you have read these words and agree, I hope you will come to a speed dating event. If you read this and it just makes you mad and you believe I am wrong, I suggest you do not come. We are all on a journey, and I respect your journey fully. I want you to do what you think is best for you. And in the same sense, I want people who are like-minded in the room together. I want them to sit across from each other, and with great dignity begin to be more and more sacrificial.
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I want them to tell me in the little box,
“I am ready to give.”
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Wishing you all the best!
Aaron
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If you have any comments or would like to talk further please contact me directly. aaron@thebrimkc.com